FT5: Worst.Songs.Ever

0501top5cover2You know that song that makes you want to gouge your eardrums out with a rusty butter knife? A song that might make you wish you couldn’t even hear at all? Or maybe one that makes you want to go Bluto Blutarsky on someone? As much as we love the music we write about on a day-to-day basis, we could also write a book about music we hate. So with today’s list we bring you the “Worst.Songs.Ever.” This is not a scientific list. It is simply a personal list of songs that 5 ATH staff writers wish had never existed. Follow the jump for our worst songs ever, and share yours with us when you’re done.

davematthewsCrash by Dave Mathews Band

From nathan.lankford

Not only did this song blast on the radio in every bar I never wanted to sit in during college, but it haunted me in coffee houses, book stores and any other place that I deemed important to my existence as a human being. Now, I’ve seen this song performed live over one hundred times, just not by anyone that actually resembles Dave Mathews or his band; all of them were piss-poor imitators playing open-mic nights at locations where cheap beer was being served, otherwise I would have left. Therefore, I deem this the worst song ever, not only for my hatred of Dave Mathews and his followers, but because it is also one of the most annoying songs ever to come across my path.

pearljamBugs by Pearl Jam

From RayRay

This song may be better fit for a worst songs on good albums post, but it’s still one of the shittiest songs ever written. Every time I try to convince people about the greatness of Vitalogy, they always use this damn song as a reason why the album sucks. This song is total and absolute trash. What the hell is it doing on this album? Without it, Pearl Jam has a 3rd straight superb album and never fall out of graces with critics and some fans. Skip this song. Please please skip this song. I had to sit through this crap every time I listened to my copy of Vitalogy when it came out because I only had it on tape. Thanks to modern media, I can delete this song from existence, pretend it doesn’t exist, and jam out to a better version of Vitalogy.

whitneyhoustonI Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston

From corey.ayers

Sure there are a ton of songs that suck balls but none that make me actually physically sick like Whitney Houston’ version of “I Will always Love You.” Sadly enough it has made me even hate the Dolly Parton version a little, although Dolly’s twang never reaches the shear tonal terror that Houston’s does. Actually the Dolly version is sort of a quaint little love ditty while Whitney’s version is an audio assault. When Whitney hits the high part on the words “love you” my stomach cramps and my bowels get a little loose. Seriously if I listen to this in the car i get sick, and oddly enough the same thing happens when I am reminded that there was a film called the Bodyguard that this atrocity was tied to. For fourteen weeks this garbage sat atop the charts and I can only hope we can all wipe it from our collective unconscious.

hammerPumps and a Bump by Hammer (Formerly MC Hammer)

From MrTrent

Hammer tried to go gangster with this 1994 single release teaching us that the only thing more wack than wearing hammer pants would be taking them off and wearing a zebra speedo instead.

limpbizkitRollin’ by Limp Bizkit

From raygun

For starters, Fred Durst is the greatest embarrassment in the history of music. And somehow, his music kept getting worse and worse. This song represents Fred Durst at his all-time low, if that’s even possible. If “Faith” was the equivalent of getting a rectal exam, “Rollin'” was the equivalent of getting a rectal exam with a metal glove. The song is nothing but random bits of generic hip-hop slang, crappy “nu metal” guitar “noise” and that nails on a chalkboard voice. All from an overweight, middle-aged poser that almost got his ass kicked by the lead singer from CREED.

15 comments

  • Sadly, I would argue that “Rollin” is not even LB’s worst song. There is a little known gem from the end of their career called “Crackhead” … If I recall, the lyrics go something like “I’m a crackhead. What? A Crackhead. What?” etc. I heard it once or twice around seven years ago. It was truly HO-ribble.

  • rihanna- umbrella

  • I thoroughly enjoyed that pumps with a bump video. he was just raw. where can I get a speedo like that. on second thought he probably would trade it to me for a sandwich.

  • Where’s “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” in this mix??

  • @Brendan-

    Dang, that’s a good one. I remember counting one day how often they played that song on the radio. I think it was something like once every 30 mins.

    And who can forget TLC emerging as a bunch of Predators in the middle of the ocean in that horrible video?

    @Trent-

    “I heard it once or twice around seven years ago”

    BULL.SHIT. You probably had it playing as you were reading this list.

  • Nice call on “Rollin’.” These are all great choices, actually, but Rollin’ — damn. That’s so, so right.

  • ‘what’s up’ by the 4 non blondes. but i’d go with annoying, and not worse song ever.

  • Juvenile – Ha.

    Is this music? English, muthafucka, do you speak it?

    RAMMY, look for your boy Lil’ Wayne at 3:31. Worst rap song ever…

  • I want to clear things up for the record… There seems to be two Trents here. I’m the one who loves limp bizkit.

  • Animal Collective – My Girls

    Wait for it… wait… wait for it… its over. 🙁

    Actually, scratch that. This one is worse.

    http://www.imeem.com/gorillavsbear/video/OH0uelC3/animal-collective-1-live-on-conan-music-video/

    I think they should cover “crash.” That would be neat.

  • @ nathan.lankford ; “HIKE UP YOUR SKIRT LITTLE BOY, AND SHOW YOUR WORLD TO ME”

    Add.
    “The Thong Song” by Sisqo
    “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy
    “Informer” by Snow
    “Barbie Girl” by Aqua
    “I’m to Sexy” by Right Said Fred
    “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billie Ray Cyrus

  • Anything by Shania Twain.

  • (sigh)

    “Margaritaville” – Jimmy Buffet
    “Jane Fonda” – Mickey Avalon
    “Non-Dairy Creamer” – Third Eye Blind
    “Fire, Water, Burn” – Bloodhound Gang
    “Who Let the Dogs Out” – Baha Men

    …and anything by the “band” Animal Collective:)

    (barf)

    ~Ramalama

  • I’m gonna go with “Last Resort” by Papa Roach.

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