FT5: Songs About Loving Yourself

“My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it’s all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.”

Follow the jump for the Top 5 songs about just that.


5. Buzzcocks – Orgasm Addict

Nothing like some punk-rocking youthful rebellion to start off the list. From a band that was influenced by the Sex Pistols, who created an independent label called New Hormones, and whose own name alludes to an instrument of female gratification, the bold “Orgasm Addict” is complete with heavy breathing and moaning from Pete Shelley. An obvious choice for this list, even if the BBC refused to play the song back in 1977 for being more inappropriate than “all the stains on your jeans.”


4. Billy Idol – Dancing With Myself

Originally written for his band Generation X, William claimed that this song was inspired by watching people dance in front of mirrors in Japanese clubs. I don’t buy it. Let’s examine why:

When there’s no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long for my love vibration
And I’m dancing with myself

“Love vibration” doesn’t even fit the rhyme scheme. The sexed-up rocker was definitely by himself, but he was doing a lot more than dancing. Oh, Billy…


3. Cyndi Lauper – She-Bop

In 1983, Cyndi Lauper proved with “She-Bop” that girls really do just want to have fun. Possibly the first mainstream song about she-bopping, the somewhat ambiguous tune received major exposure on the radio and MTV. All of the attention was not applaud, though, as the quirky singer found her catchy single on the Parents Music Resource Center’s infamous “Filthy Fifteen.” Honestly, I didn’t figure out this song’s true colors until I started he-bopping in the sixth grade.


2. Divinyls – I Touch Myself

Honestly, I knew exactly what this song was about the first time I heard it. “When I think about you, I touch myself,” can be about one thing and one thing only. This song was so controversial 19 years ago that Austin Aqua Fest ’91 organizers pulled the plug when the Divinyls tried to perform the song live. A shameless ditty that will always remind me of Mike Myers from Wayne’s World: “When I think of Kim Basinger, I touch myself.”


1. Green Day – Longview

As a young boy, I would go up to my room, close the door, and…blast Green Day’s Dookie as loud as I could! In a house with unlocked doors, there’s nothing like lazing around. But idle hands quickly become the devil’s playground, and “Longview” is definitely not the first song on the list to reference going blind (see She-Bop). Jesus Christ, man! There’s just some things you don’t talk about in public!



  • “Your sister’s gone out, she on a date.
    You just sit at home and masturbate.”

    – Billy Joel

  • Hahaha the opening paragraph was intense. Vijay, hilariousness.

  • I’ll handle the masturbation jokes thank you very much.

    This is a great list though.

  • I need to go watch Mallrats again. Three nipples…works every time, if you know what I mean.

    Can’t possibly think of any others, so I withdraw my rebuttal. Perfect list, prepared with no doubt plenty of research, if you know what I mean.

  • What about Devo’s “Whip It”? I’m pretty sure that’s song is about wanking it and it’s a classic.

  • Actually, while most people accept that the song is about masturbation, it actually is not about that at all. It’s a play upon a book by Thomas Pynchon called Gravity’s Rainbow. Weird, but oddly not about masturbation at all.

  • “I’m Turning Japanese” much?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *