Friday Top 5: Musicians Your Mom Loves
Hey. We need to talk. People are not taking your mom’s musical taste seriously. This is probably because your mom’s taste in music is horrible. But in the interest of science, I have formulated an alternate hypothesis, one that suggests your mom’s musical taste is secretly pretty good and thus worthy of further examination. It’s probably horseshit, but just to be safe you should read the rest of this. Your mom loves all of this crap.
I’m not sure why, but your mom is totally obsessed with Drake. The other day I was talking to your mom and she mentioned that Drake was once a featured thespian on Degrassi High. “Thespian.” That’s the word she used. This was a casual conversation, so I wasn’t prepared to hear anything like that. I had to put a few extra whiskey shots on your tab to try to erase this interaction from my brain (or at the very least, dull my pain). It was a Civil War battlefield medicine type situation, I’m sure you understand.
But, if I’m to be frank, it’s the fact that your mom constantly posts Drake videos to my Facebook wall that really confounds me. I know that there is a thing called Youtube (just checked, still exists), and that I can look up Drake videos of all kinds. So why, if a video is not exceptional in some way, would your mom bother to post it to my Facebook page? I know this is not entirely your fault, but I want you to know things have gotten pretty serious. I may have to defriend her. I thought it would be best that you hear it from me first. Just tell your mom I said hi, and to chill out a little bit.
I’m going to be honest. Your dad’s cover band is pretty sweet. I never really appreciated CCR. Yes, it’s true. I didn’t appreciate them. I can see that now. And that f-ing fat guy from your dad’s bowling team is like some kind of crazy Keith Moon savant fucking drummer?! What the f-ing #%$*?!! As for the basslines you laid down. . .well, they were workman-like.
When your dad started humping that stuffed armadillo during the guitar solo in Sweet Home Alabama, I started to wonder: were these types of public embarrassments routine to you as a child? They must have been. Of course you startied listening to Morrissey! Jesus, I’m just glad you weren’t seduced by some sort of Manson murder cult. It might have seemed preferable to your home life.
On a serious note though, your dad’s cover band is really, really badass. I wasn’t even put off when your father started puking into that saxophone. It seemed like a natural progression from the way he had been attacking those AC/DC jams all night. It was like he was deconstructing each song with a slightly more aggressive form of stupid. The fact he was being completely sincere only amplified the awesomeness. I now feel comfortable admitting, my eyes got a little moist during his rendition of “Go Your Own Way.”
This may not be the forum for this, but you have been fired as the bassist in your dad’s cover band. I will be taking over, effective immediately. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that you don’t have the manual dexterity to play the bass guitar, and you basically lack any musical ability whatsoever.
Listen, I’m a busy guy. I only have so much time to investigate the type of music your mom is into. I want to reiterate again though, how f-ing sweet your dad’s f-ing cover band is, and to plug a few of our upcoming gigs. On December 15th, we’re going to be playing by some Porta Pottys at Cheer Up Charlies. Then, on the 29th, we’re going to be playing an electric bike concert across the city. I know this dude, Bjorn, who has access to a power generator. My friend Keith is going to haul it in his pedicab so we can just ride and play. It’s pretty conceptual.
We’re thinking about having a benfit to raise money for the gas to run the generator. We haven’t finalized the details yet, but I think we’re gonna get DJ Kevin to play the gig. He focuses on Carribean/Nu-metal revival type shit, but he also dresses up like a Nintendo. This symbolizes the shallowness of consumer culture or how people used to play Nintendo or something. It’s gonna be pretty sick.
I’m not sure how I feel about songs that happen to be on the radio. It’s kind of like, I love them, and/or I’m completely indifferent to them/love them ironically/love them sincerely. But your mom is genuinely, sincerely 100% stoked about all of them. I envy her.